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Archive for July 10th, 2007

Heart full of fears

news-of-the-day-10july07-jesse-and-jim.jpg

I took this picture this morning, right before they left for the airport in St. Louis.

I wish I could expunge the fear that fills my heart.

The love I feel for this young man, my son Jesse, is deep and complex.   This was not a child I carried under my heart.   I never had the experience of a pregnancy coming to full term and the delivery.   My body was not able to craft a baby, for some reason.  

Instead, we searched for that soul who was meant to be our child.  We found him when he was 14 and a half, and his adoption was finalized when he was 16.   Somehow he survived the incredible damage of his infancy and childhood to grow into this beautiful, intelligent, kind, articulate young man.   He stands within the arm of a man he is so very like in soul and beauty that I know that perhaps he is not the child of our bodies, but he is definitely the child of our soul and karma.

And I am sending him to war, a war none of us in this house believe in.  But it is his duty to go.   He will be in Iraq by September.  I hate it.

My heart is full of fear, my eyes of tears.   I pray for his safe return, healthy in body, mind and spirit.

I will do this in my garden, as I pull the weeds there.   Perhaps as I root the weeds out of my flower beds I can pull the fear from my heart and cast it away as I throw the weeds on the compost pile.  

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