Hello you know I’m a ninja, don’t you? You can’t see me when I sit quietly in the shadows even when the carpet is white and I’m black I’m invisible when I want to be that’s why you can’t find me when I hide in the closet. I’m not really a bad cat, you know it is just that She doesn’t think I have business on certain of the flat surfaces in my world and She is wrong I have business EVERYWHERE all the time that I should be allowed to pursue. There is another cat that follows me all around the place you know, it hides in my water bowl and comes out from behind certain walls and then it is there when I look into the Other World sometimes and there are places in the kitchen where it seems to be as well, that hole in the wall that the dirty dishes go into that makes noise and the other hole in the wall that gets hot and has the spot underneath it that sucks my mouse into it. I have to admit She can be nice she takes the part off that thing that gets hot and gets my mouse out from under it whenever I miscalculate and lose my mouse under there the mouse gets away from me and hides there.
Anyway it is perfectly reasonable for me to bang on the water in the dish to make that stupid cat that follows me around go away so I can drink I just can’t drink with that thing staring at me. I used to have a Food Dish that was made of shiny metal and that cat was ALWAYS lurking in there so that I just couldn’t eat with it staring at me. I guess She understands how upsetting that darn thing is because she found a Food Dish where that other cat can’t hide and it is much better now.
I don’t understand Her or Him. There are things all over this place that Need to be played with and they are so unreasonable about the black shiny strings that live back in the corner under the flat surface where I am never allowed to be because it has something called Electronics on it apparently Electronics are very special the Electronics that are all black and stacked that are also called the Stereo at times are The Forbidden Land of Hell where if you go there you get very wet and sometimes they even shake you and yell really loud right in your face which can be very upsetting indeed so I just choose not to go there especially not when anyone is around. But I don’t go there anyway because the black shiny interesting things with flashing lights also have something called dust on them and if I go there I leave traces and then I am So Busted and get yelled at anyway and so it really just isn’t worth it they aren’t really that interesting and sometimes they make me sneeze anyway.
So about the shiny strings I’m not supposed to play with I don’t get it She says I could be electrocuted whatever that means but you know there are spiders and crickets back there in addition to the dust which sometimes makes me sneeze and I just HAVE to go back there in that corner. They used to have it blocked off with cardboard but I am big and strong now and very agile and I can pretty much get anywhere I want to despite blocks and besides I am a ninja you know and you can’t keep ninjas out of places they want to be they can apparate and climb walls and are very sneaky.
There is a place where I can sit on a ledge and look at a view that is very interesting those people call it a window whatever that means. There are places like that all over the house and the view is different everywhere but it always has those potential toys that hop around and change shape plus there are also Big Mouses with flicky movey tails. Soooo interesting. Sometimes I can hear them mocking me and it makes me so mad I could just eat them if only I could get through the wall to them. Once I went out the back door for a minute but it was very cold and wet and my feet sank down into this very very weird cold white stuff and I never want to go out there again even though they go out there all the time and bring things back from their forays that smell very interesting and sometimes I can sharpen my claws on them even though I have two perfectly good sharpening posts and a cat tree plus about a whole house full of carpet on the floor even though She seems to think that carpet is not the right place to exercise my toenails but it is okay if I’m tearing around after a Proper String (not the shiny black ones that don’t go anywhere but disappear mysteriously into the wall) why is that okay but I can’t stop and work my feel properly in one place but have to go to the stupid cat tree.
Honestly people are so weird but on the other hand She keeps the litter box very clean and provides me with wonderful crunchy food so I guess maybe it is okay that I love Her and allow myself times to get all cuddly and purr on Her lap that doesn’t make me weak does it? I have to nap now and think about that.
*Looks seriously worried* – [mainly because I’m smiling]
Hmph. You should be worried. I am a ninja and I can be anywhere I’m probably looking at you from your closet right now except I may have to go supervise Her when she is cutting fabric soon.
Well Mallroy what an interesting tale you have told us.
But as I say in these modern times where would we be without our Humans.
Like today its been raining ALL DAY and I missed going for my ‘birthday’ walk but it’s so nice to stay in the warm and dry. Just going to have my birthday tea’
from Spotty Dog (now I am 12 human years old) woof, woof.
Hello Spotty Dog, I’m very pleased to meet you. I have a dog, you know, her name is Ruby and she lets me wash her ears and plays ball with me and sometimes we sleep in front of the fire together. I really like to supervise her when she is drinking water, her pink tongue is so big and splashy and sometimes I think I ought to catch it but she looks at me with her big worried brown eyes so I don’t. Take very good care of your Human, I’m sure she loves you very much.
P. S. Happy birthday! I’m only a kitten so I haven’t had one yet, but I will soon on Tax Day I think I heard Her say I was an Income Tax Day baby although I have to say I’m not really sure what that means.
😀
Indeed. Big grin warranted as long as it is properly respectful of the ninja ethic…
i read this to my gigantic orange cat, Huey Newton. although he has a great deal of respect for a Cat Ninja, to him it sure sounds like an awful lot of work… and it would get in the way of his most important job – napping.
I figure that Mallory will start learning how to ninja nap once she has attained some maturity. Right now, there is a lot to do as she has to supervise everything I do including vacuuming.
this ‘ninja’ thing can’t possibly come naturally. i place a heaping portion of blame on either “Her” or “Him” for teaching bad habits in the first place.
and i have that same problem with another staring back at me from some places. but that one doesn’t listen to me either.
Well, you know I am a cat and so therefore I am perfect ergo there can be no idle talk of bad habits…
Hi there i am kavin, its my first occasion to commenting anyplace, when i read this post i thought i could also make comment due to this brilliant piece of writing.